Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Randomize
