i just wanna soil my oats bro
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
