ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
