You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
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