One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
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