I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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