im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
