mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
