yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
