That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
