then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
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I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
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I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
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