I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
