I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
