My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Randomize
