he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
