I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
