nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
