How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
