I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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