i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
