you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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