the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
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Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
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I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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