mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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