is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize