Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
