What did we do last night that was yellow?
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
