I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
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hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
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You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize