My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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