it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
