were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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