Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
