I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
