Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
