My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
