He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
