I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Randomize
