I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize