I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
