You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
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When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
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I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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