this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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