And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
