Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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