He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
