If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
