i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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