Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Randomize
