So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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