Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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