I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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