I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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