She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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