what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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