dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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