she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
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