i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
