I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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