The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
