Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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