I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Randomize
